tiffany fashion

 I used to not want to go to bed every night because I knew it would lead to another day of living, I would lay awake thinking of trains, razorblades and cliffs. It recquired so much energy just to wake up and face the world feeling like your in a cage of depression while you watch every one on the outside taking their happiness for granted. I would try to make lists and plans, things I was sure would make things better but they never fell through because I would have to use every ounce of my being just to live in semi- normalcy. Just to smile and make people believe it was real and remind every one of how smart I am because to me that was all I had, that was every thing.

 I used to cut so people could see the pain but then i realized that they would never understand, I used to punish myself out of guilt, and then I realized that I wasn't punishing myself I was feeding the depression. I have bipolar which made everything worse, I would feel like things were better, like things were amazing, like I wasn't being suffocated anymore and then all the sudden things would fall apart and it felt like just as I was about to reach the surface something pulls me back to the bottom of a black ocean. And every time it got harder to try and swim back up.

Then one day I realized that sometimes you just have to force it, you have to resist. You have to smile when your world feels like shit and think something stupid like how you crack yourself up relentlessly. And soon I stopped crying I stopped thinking that other people's opinions matter to me because they have to earn the right to affect me. I'm scared that one day I'll wake up become depressed, try and commit suicide and end up back in the psych ward for the third time but at least I can strive on with awareness. And i realized that no one, not our therapist, or our mom, our boyfriend, or our best friend can make us feel better none of them are gonna say something that can magically make everything go away, you're the only one that can do that and you have to learn how each person in your life can help you but none of them can save you because in reality the only person who can save you is yourself.