The fashion-conscious among us remember Mr. Bhutto and Field Marshal Ayub Khan for their exquisite taste in dressing. The two evoked fond memories of the inimitable Quaid-e-Azam, at least in their aesthetic sense, if not in their deeds. Our present leader, Pervez Musharraf, is a well-dressed gentleman and does us proud in the group photos of SAARC leaders. He has a different attire for every occasion, showing greater versatility than any other superstar on the global stage of politics.

A dear friend of mine and I regularly wager on what the President will be wearing the next morning. I picture him pacing up and down wondering what to wear for the day. My heart goes out to the poor valet nervously biting his nails and the perplexed Begum Saheba, neither of them daring to make a suggestion lest that not be to his liking, thus earning the wrath of the most powerful man in the land.

You and I have a hard time matching a kerchief with a necktie or a waistcoat with a shalwar kameez. Imagine having the dilemma of choosing from an array of expertly tailored suits, sherwanis with gold embroidered collars (ornate as a bridegroom's), crisp military uniforms bedecked with shiny jingling medals, and exceedingly macho commando uniforms that would make G.I. Joe look effeminate in comparison.

He looks good in whatever he chooses to wear. There is barely a hint of an emerging paunch, a sure-fire sign of middle age (even his hair hasn't seemed to gray beyond the sideburns). This is regardless of the kind of outfit he dons, barring casual wear like those dubious golf shirts and commoner's shalwar kameez. He has obviously been wiser in selecting his tailors than the company of politicians he chooses to keep.

No doubt the valet and Begum Saheba wait for the Military Secretary to come every morning and rescue them from their clothing dilemma with the help of the Presidential appointment-book/Blackberry. A look at the day's schedule makes it easier to strategize an appropriate ensemble for the day. One only wishes that the President had an equally effective way of solving the more serious issues facing our hapless nation.

A discerning eye can see through the identity crisis Pervez Musharraf is grappling with from the way he selects his clothes to project the correct image corresponding to an occasion. It is easy to appreciate the complexity of his situation. After all, don't we all wear many hats so that we are judged accordingly? Let's help make things easier for our favorite leader.

The problem we have here is that some of the hats the subject chooses to wear do not inspire the awe he deserves at home and abroad. We have to examine his present status before coming up with a suggestion regarding a suitable title for Mr./General/President/CEO Pervez Musharraf who is, after all, the brand image of Pakistan Ltd. today. Let's brainstorm a few ideas and make it work.

The opposition and a few nitpickers will have us believe that he is a dictator. Dictators are of course at liberty to wear what they please ( jangal ka badshah, unda they ya bacha…). I object to that notion. That will take us in the category of primeval and depraved nations.

Is he a president? Not precisely. A parliament elects a president and not the other way round. Besides, we do not have a presidential form of government (yet) and the position has limited powers unlike the man under discussion. He is the de-facto Chief Executive of the nation with a Prime Minister who is factually no more than a mere Federal Secretary. I fear discussing this point any further will be akin to messing with a bucket full of worms.

Is the General genuinely a Commander-in-Chief? The answer cannot be categorical and clear. He is one because he holds the reigns. He is not because he should have retired by now if we are to observe service rules (then again, who does over here?).

Given the powers that he enjoys, will the title of a Chairman or an Imam be more appropriate, like Mao Zedong and the late Khomeini? Not really. He did not come into power through a popular uprising or a revolution. It was a simple military coup in the traditional fashion of Third World countries that put him in the driving seat.

I am a typical Pakistani who is more concerned with paying my utility bills on time rather than dabbling in politics. People like me have resigned ourselves to the fate of the nation and end our discussions with a stock statement -- "They are all alike". I would much rather have Musharraf doing what he's good at than a novice starting all over again with a tentative groping of body polities.

I have been agonizing over an appropriate title for him to facilitate his mindset and lifestyle. I consulted a few fellow sycophants to come up with a mutually beneficial solution to this very important issue. The points to keep in view were:

A) He must remain in power till his last breath.
B) He should be able to wear ostentatious military uniforms, at least on formal occasions.
C) He should remain an unchallenged head of the armed forces and everything else that breathes has to be at his disposal.
D) He should be exempt from the hassles of elections.
E) He has to be above reproach and bad mouthing by impudent scoundrels.
F) No law of the land should apply to him for he is the law unto himself.
G) The nation ought to revere him and look up to him for wisdom, guidance and fairness.
H) The international community recognizes him as the legitimate and supreme authority of the land.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have the answer and a sure-fire way of achieving our objective. Let's hold a referendum on declaring him a king. No, not a king like those pusillanimous Europeans, more like the kings of our brotherly countries. We are masha'allah a full-fledged Muslim nation. It's been a long time since we had a king of our own. We need one now for our future generations to tell stories in the usual mythical mode and write glowing columns about a new legendary king who ruled this land justly and remarkably.

Long live King Musharraf and the Kingdom of Al-Bakistania.