Suadade

There is something inside of me that needs to come out …
I wish I know what is it , so I can write it but I don’t , I just have this feeling that I need to spread myself out , this is not a strange feeling to me , as it is part of my bipolar nature , when im out of my depression period I got extremely high as I am now and  I have this strong feeling of spreading everywhere .
I made a mistake ( again ) of drinking that doppio at this time, as I wont be able to sleep and there is nothing to do , I don’t feel like watching a movie, not reading for sure .
I wish she is here, the one who doesn’t exist yet, we would have a nice late conversation maybe we will cuddle or have sex also but she can’t as she doesn’t exist yet,
Having a blog can be nice , it is a nice feeling to write your thoughts knowing that there is a possibility that some total stranger somewhere in the world might enjoy reading it . I like that Idea
Having an anonymous blog is even better cause you can say whatever you want to say especially about traditions and imaginary friends “like GOD “without being attacked “physically “or abused by other “normal” people, I’m not sure about the physical attack but I’m pretty sure that I might get killed by a someone who thinks that he is doing a favor for his imaginary friend by getting rid of evil like me.
My spelling is really bad  ! Lots of the word I wrote have a red line under it ! thank god or the gods or mother nature of bill gates or ( you name it ) for the spelling check of Microsoft word all mighty it makes life easier as I don’t have to worry about remembering the arrangement of letters that makes a word a word .
I need to start taking French courses again, I’m listening to Edith Piaf maybe I would enjoy it much more if I can fully understand what she is saying, or maybe not, there is this magic about the songs the infinite possibility of meanings, I understand a couple of words may be a sentence or two but I make the rest in my head which is nice cause it is a new song every time I listen to it.
Edith piaf doesn’t regret anything, I don’t know about me. There are things that I wish I handled in different way , which may lead to a main changes in my life , like if I told her when we were in Italy that I have feelings for  her would that put us in a different situation than the one we are in now ? Would she be closer ? or would it end up in a big embarrassment for me , she was impossible to read sending to many mixed signals which made me so confused . but I have something for here and I should have said it back then I guess .
Relationships are hard. It is not easy to react with someone else especially when emotions are involved for me it used to be so easy to give my heart away, but I found out the hard way there is a price you have to pay …. And I know that I used to be a love addict, I used to love the idea of being in a relationship with anyone (and that’s why I have a history of bad relationships) but not with her .
Ok if im going to talk about her I need to be precise, actually we didn’t have a proper relationship according to the most common definition for a relationship ,we did spend some time together , we were intimate and it was great , I didn’t have enough time to fall in love but I know for sure that I’ve never been touched by someone the way she touched me , she was transparent to me I saw her faults I accepted all her insecurities and I was ok with her issues . there was simple details in the short time that we have together that was magical so spontaneous and real, real is very important here cause one of my main problems with the other sex is that I always feel that physical intimacy  is so superficial . but with her it was real and meaningful, she started some electro-chemical reactions in my brain that ive never experienced before (and after ) and I so miss that .
She is millions of miles away , there is no chance that we might meet soon and properly  she is already in a happy relation with someone closer to normal humans than me so I should stop talking about this and jump to the next Idea in the crazy train of thoughts that I’m riding right now !
I don’t  know what im going to do tomorrow , im gonna wake up , at mid day , go to the mall have some coffee , pass by the office try to find some work to do ( thought we on a holydays  till the end of the week ) and then meet the guys in the same coffee shop (the nihilist, the movie director wanna be and the father ) have some fun with the jokes of the father , go into some philosophical discussion with the director wanna be and talk about photography and the pain in his ass with the father what a glorious day it is going to be ……
My IPod have a strange mood of shuffling songs! Moving form Edith Piaf to Maria Mena is not smooth at all .
I can keep on going like this for the whole night but I need to stop
So I stop!

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• I dont know what is the title
• Saudade I
• Disgust
• Too much coffee and anger..
• Schizophrenia
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