Suadade

There is something inside of me that needs to come out …
I wish I know what is it , so I can write it but I don’t , I just have this feeling that I need to spread myself out , this is not a strange feeling to me , as it is part of my bipolar nature , when im out of my depression period I got extremely high as I am now and  I have this strong feeling of spreading everywhere .
I made a mistake ( again ) of drinking that doppio at this time, as I wont be able to sleep and there is nothing to do , I don’t feel like watching a movie, not reading for sure .
I wish she is here, the one who doesn’t exist yet, we would have a nice late conversation maybe we will cuddle or have sex also but she can’t as she doesn’t exist yet,
Having a blog can be nice , it is a nice feeling to write your thoughts knowing that there is a possibility that some total stranger somewhere in the world might enjoy reading it . I like that Idea
Having an anonymous blog is even better cause you can say whatever you want to say especially about traditions and imaginary friends “like GOD “without being attacked “physically “or abused by other “normal” people, I’m not sure about the physical attack but I’m pretty sure that I might get killed by a someone who thinks that he is doing a favor for his imaginary friend by getting rid of evil like me.
My spelling is really bad  ! Lots of the word I wrote have a red line under it ! thank god or the gods or mother nature of bill gates or ( you name it ) for the spelling check of Microsoft word all mighty it makes life easier as I don’t have to worry about remembering the arrangement of letters that makes a word a word .
I need to start taking French courses again, I’m listening to Edith Piaf maybe I would enjoy it much more if I can fully understand what she is saying, or maybe not, there is this magic about the songs the infinite possibility of meanings, I understand a couple of words may be a sentence or two but I make the rest in my head which is nice cause it is a new song every time I listen to it.
Edith piaf doesn’t regret anything, I don’t know about me. There are things that I wish I handled in different way , which may lead to a main changes in my life , like if I told her when we were in Italy that I have feelings for  her would that put us in a different situation than the one we are in now ? Would she be closer ? or would it end up in a big embarrassment for me , she was impossible to read sending to many mixed signals which made me so confused . but I have something for here and I should have said it back then I guess .
Relationships are hard. It is not easy to react with someone else especially when emotions are involved for me it used to be so easy to give my heart away, but I found out the hard way there is a price you have to pay …. And I know that I used to be a love addict, I used to love the idea of being in a relationship with anyone (and that’s why I have a history of bad relationships) but not with her .
Ok if im going to talk about her I need to be precise, actually we didn’t have a proper relationship according to the most common definition for a relationship ,we did spend some time together , we were intimate and it was great , I didn’t have enough time to fall in love but I know for sure that I’ve never been touched by someone the way she touched me , she was transparent to me I saw her faults I accepted all her insecurities and I was ok with her issues . there was simple details in the short time that we have together that was magical so spontaneous and real, real is very important here cause one of my main problems with the other sex is that I always feel that physical intimacy  is so superficial . but with her it was real and meaningful, she started some electro-chemical reactions in my brain that ive never experienced before (and after ) and I so miss that .
She is millions of miles away , there is no chance that we might meet soon and properly  she is already in a happy relation with someone closer to normal humans than me so I should stop talking about this and jump to the next Idea in the crazy train of thoughts that I’m riding right now !
I don’t  know what im going to do tomorrow , im gonna wake up , at mid day , go to the mall have some coffee , pass by the office try to find some work to do ( thought we on a holydays  till the end of the week ) and then meet the guys in the same coffee shop (the nihilist, the movie director wanna be and the father ) have some fun with the jokes of the father , go into some philosophical discussion with the director wanna be and talk about photography and the pain in his ass with the father what a glorious day it is going to be ……
My IPod have a strange mood of shuffling songs! Moving form Edith Piaf to Maria Mena is not smooth at all .
I can keep on going like this for the whole night but I need to stop
So I stop!

What happened last night was disgusting
I don’t know how I ended sleeping naked next to her ,, talking , I was talking a lot .. trying to prove things to myself I guess , but I went deep inside and I told her things that I don’t even dare thinking about with myself , and it was disgusting
Me holding her head while she was throwing up in the toilet felt like being in a movie . fake
her smell , here feminine body odor all over me , filthy and disgusting
I can’t stop thinking how did I end up there, how did I manage to drive there look for the apartment and end up in her bed. With her kids sleeping in the other room
The way she was faking it is disgusting, the sounds she was making the way her body was moving under me so animalistic so pathetic and disgusting
I thought for moment that being with her in her arms will make me feel better , I thought that I might feel that I belong somewhere even if it was in bed with a stranger , I thought that I may fit somewhere , that I’m just like anyone else .
But I was alone in there, far away, far away from myself, I was sad empty and disgusted
It was a weird night , sick night that managed to push me further in my solitude , increased the distance between me and them pushed my away more , all what I wanted is to sleep next to someone to feel the warmth of another body I wanted to get close to touch ,smell feel some human bonding
But I ended up throwing up , with more pain and bitter loneliness

I can’t sleep
I just got home from the coffee shop and I know now that it was a bad idea to get that refill ….

This post is just me angry and wasting time so please try not to waste your time reading it ….

Today was another boring Ramadan day I spent the day in bed watching the whole season 2 of true blood, it was a good way of killing time.
What is it that makes this life worth living? Currently I lead a very tedious life everyday is a copy of the day before it, I’m not enjoying it and I’m only counting hours.

My life lack details, there are no events.
In this schizophrenic city it is hard to have a life as your options are so limited ,we end up setting in the same place every evening cause it’s the only place that doesn’t have children holding hands in secret , or “ couples only “ sign at the entrance or people taking the same photos over and over again to post it at facebook and all other stupid scenes that our city is full of, I don’t remember the last time I had a healthy relationship with a girl as all of the “ladies “ that I meet are crazy ! each one is crazy in her own nice way, but all of them share the same touch of schizophrenia that is the remarkable theme of our society, people lead a damn superficial life’s which makes almost impossible to meet new friends or even hangout with the ones that you already know, all they care about is to go out and publish their photos on facebook ,at my age you aim is to get married , find the right one according to social laws and get married have children and that’s it .

A guy’s dream is to find a job take a bank loan buy a car save money and get married, girls dream is to find a job take a bank loan buy a car ( and I’m being optimistic here ) find the right rich boy and get married and most of the time it will be arranged marriages that will end up with the saddest life you can think of

AAh, sometimes I try to convince myself that there is something out there, someone or something different , some type of more human sophisticated relations but

actually there is not .

Someone is extremely crazy in here, it’s either me trying to find a deferent way of living or them with their so nicely organized life.

I need a way out ! I need a way out

So I’m setting in the same coffee shop again after a short exhausting day at work, exhausting not because of the work but because of the martial laws that are being applied in the office regarding breaking the rules of Islamic fasting , as I have said in a previous post it is insane .

Today I have decided to break through the hell we live in and took 1 hour off went to restaurant had some coffee and smoked half a pack of cigarettes in the middle of the holy fasting hours

Anyway I still find it hard to understand the schizophrenic nature of our society ( Amman, Jordan ) we have this “ holy “ moth where almost everyone turns into the protectors of Allah and his religion where daily alcohol abusers  stop drinking and some girls cover their hair during the month only..

What is the thing behind faith that turns people 180 degrees in one month?

fear, fear of the punishment  of god , but how come they fear him only 30 days a year and then all goes back to normal , they will start doing everything that is forbidden , how come people are so lost in their believes and behavior that they can be the extreme opposites and flip in a short period of time .

and im not talking about a minority , it is the majority of the population that will usually be filling bars by now are setting home watching TV after a huge meal and may be praying
how can you live with 2 extreme opposite ethical codes at the same time . I cant understand it but it seems that it is not hard as everyone else is doing it ….

The talk about the schizophrenia will be long as religious believes are not the only thing that they have problems with ,,, maybe I will write about it later as I’m getting out of coffee and I have to leave …

We don’t work ! simple my department is setting there doing nothing .

Usually we have around 50 calls a day to support other colleagues  but since Ramadan started we have a max of 5 a day which indicates only one thing ,, people are not working ,
if you go around the office you will see fasting people setting there playing games wasting time or the ladies looking for some new recipes to cook .

And that will go on till the end of the month .
we have a manager how thinks that he is gods man on earth , threatening anyone who will dare to smoke or eat or drink inside the campus with the maximum punishment “ by the law” though there is a good number of the staff that are not fasting , but I guess he thinks that we all need to suffer like him and he prefers to see ALL the staff sleeping and playing games rather than some trying to live their working days normally

maybe that what god wants ! he want to give us a vacation in the office for a month

Here we are again, going through hell, I can’t believe that I have to live like this for a month.
It is Insane; cause some stupid group of people how thinks that they have the ultimate truth and they still believe in ancient methodologies and worship an imaginary friend that tells them that they have to stop drinking and eating for the whole day for a month and they have to go and run around a black stone that filed form the sky I have to suffer for a whole month.

It is not the fact that I can’t smoke but it is the idea that I’m forbidden from doing something so basic as smoking or drinking water  ! Though everyone knows that I’m not fasting ( and by the way im not the only one ) but I have to suffer cause they do ,,,

This is insane....

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• I dont know what is the title
• Saudade I
• Disgust
• Too much coffee and anger..
• Schizophrenia
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